Buffering audiobook

Spoiler free review: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FL8pp...This book was so interesting. I admittedly don't watch Hannah's videos all that often. I go in spurts really. But, I found her voice came through so strongly in this book and the story she told was so fascinating. I'll go more into depth in my video review. *Sent an ARC for review by the publisher*

When I found out that Hannah was writing a memoir, and that it was full of things she'd never talked about before, I expected saucy tales of her lesbian sexcapades or wild drunken nights or her favorite or least favorite MDK guests, that sort of thing. What I did not expect was a heartwrenching tale of poverty and suffering and survival perpetrated by her mother's mental illness and the abandonment of family members who simply couldn't deal with it all. I did not expect stories of adversity and pain, self-harm and self-hatred, homophobia and ultimately, acceptance and love. This is not a book of puns (well, not entirely) and raucous tales (okay, there are some). This is a book of strength and love and self-worth. Hannah Hart has fought, and is still fighting in many ways, incredibly hard for everything she has. When I found out Hannah was writing a memoir, I did not expect to be so completely humbled and inspired. But there you have it.

Buffering is a collection of narrative essays that tell Hannah Hart's stories of pain and joy and discovery. I knew going into this that I was probably going to get to know her really well, and damn am I happy that I was right. “Selfishly, I wanted to write this to feel less alone. Selflessly, I hope it helps you feel less alone too.”The ways Hart opened up in this book made me feel so deeply connected that I was kind of scared. Her essays featured a plethora of heavy subjects such as “schizophrenia, sexuality, questions of faith, questions of fame, psychedelic visions in the desert, self-harm, sex, spiders. . . and more!” And it both educated and felt oddly personal to me.The combination of all of the above left me with a lot on my mind, which is my favorite thing to end up with after finishing a memoir. I seriously cannot stop thinking about everything that went down.“Are you writing out your feelings?”“Of course.”She’s nodding. “That’s what I do when I can’t talk to someone I love.”When I read what Hannah Hart had to go through as a kid, I just had no idea. She’s been through so much, and I cannot help but admire her reckless optimism. It's truly awe-inspiring.My favorite essays: THAT SUMMER FEELING: This essay described a time when Hart thought of running away from her home. And it left me with chills all over.“As I left the house, I turned back and waved good-bye to the people inside. That was a habit. Whenever I left the house during the school year, I would pretend to say good-bye to people who weren’t there, just in case someone was watching and tracking my movements. My mom told me that our neighborhood had “prowlers” who would hide behind fences and watch for empty houses.”I still can't believe a little kid had to have such a terrible thing in mind. It kind of breaks my heart.But she didn't end up running away because something quite scarring happened instead. My stomach is still in knots because I can't wrap my mind around the fact that people like this next one actually exist.“Do you know how to get to Howard Street?”My heart was beating hard in my chest. I was so scared of that man and his truck. I felt the hairs stand up on my arms. They were scared of him, too. I shook my head no.“Are you sure? I thought it was right around here.”I was lying. Howard Street was only two blocks from where we were. Maybe I was being paranoid. I thought of my father. He would be ashamed to see me lying to someone. I shouldn’t lie. Lying is sinning. Sinning is wrong. God hates sinners, and I don’t want God to hate me. I spoke and pointed. “It’s that way.”“Which way?”I pointed harder. “That way.”“Listen.” He leaned across his seat and opened his car door. “It’s close, right? Wanna just get in and show me? That would be a big help.”I can't stop thinking of how startled she must've felt.“The day I tried to run away was scary, but I did take something positive away from it. After that day I started to walk around the neighborhood more often. It was a great way to pass the time, and I had learned I could trust myself to stay safe and avoid danger. And now, in my adult life, I make it a practice to walk for at least thirty minutes every day. It helps get me out of the house and out of my head. I also have a visual reminder: a print of Little Red Riding Hood walking through the woods with the wolf.For me, dealing with depression isn’t about trying to run away from the feeling; it’s about learning to walk alongside it.” KEEPSAKE: “My mother always told us that there are no bad guys in this story. That things are more complicated than one person who was wrong or one person who was selfish.”Hart had shared about her little half-sister, Maggie, in the previous essays and I was feeling really invested in her life. I mean, what Maggie went through kind of shattered me... she was just a little kid when she was taken from their house because it wasn't safe.“After Maggie was removed from our house, the courts said she could go and live with David, her father and my stepdad, as long as he didn’t live with my mother.For some reason, David didn’t fight for Maggie. He decided to stay with my mother. Maybe he thought Maggie would be better off as far away from both of them as possible. Maybe he didn’t want to abandon my mother because he knew she’d end up homeless if he did. Maybe he wasn’t done trying to get through to her.”Sometimes it’s just easier to decide that someone is the bad guy. But the truth is never that simple. Hindsight is 20/20. Everyone has a clear view from the rearview mirror.”That last sentence!! SHADOWBOXER: This essay was about Hart realizing and coming to terms with her sexuality.“The path to accepting your sexuality has to start somewhere. For those who identify as heterosexual, the childhood bliss of an early crush is typically encouraged and praised. Milestones such as your first date and the prom are celebrated by parents and friends.But when you’re anything other than straight, it’s more complicated; your growth gets shrouded and stunted. That’s why a lot of queer people, when they fall in love and get into a relationship for the first time, revert to a kind of prepubescent puppy love: spontaneous, impulsive, obsessive, and ecstatic. I’ve heard many people express annoyance at friends who “just came out and it’s totally cool and whatever, but do they have to talk about it all the time?” My answer to that is “Yes. Yes, they do. Don’t you remember puppy love? Well, imagine if you had to hide it for twenty years. So yeah, if they wanna gush about it, let them gush. There’s a first time for everything.”IMPORTANT!!!The more I read, the more I fell in love with her personality and voice. BODY LANGUAGE: “I may not have had lunch money or good hygiene or nice clothes, but I began to realize that I had something else: I was funny. It didn’t matter how I looked or how I dressed as long as I could make people laugh. In sixth grade, a bully at school tried to get everyone to start calling me “pit stain” because of all the, well, yellow pit stains on my T-shirts. Once, when I was wearing one of my favorite shirts, he pointed out that he could “see my titties through my shirt.” I replied blankly, “What titties? Oh. These aren’t titties, I’m just fat.” The whole class laughed because I was very obviously, and unabashedly, chubby and flat-chested. With the laughter from my classmates on my side, I proceeded to point out that the only reason he could see them was because he was so short.”I know this may seem wrong, but I'm literally cry-laughing at how she got that bully.Also, her talking about her best friend was THE BEST:“With thick, dark hair, pale skin, and strong (these days people say “fierce”) eyebrows over piercing green eyes, Rachel was the prettiest girl in whatever room we were in. There was something powerful and passionate about her. I “wasn’t gay” at the time, but boy, was I supergay at the time.”I was so into her life. HOCUS FOCUS: A really important piece on anxiety and managing your time.“Despite all of this, part of me genuinely believed I could do it all. Because I usually thrived on pressure. In college, I started all of my papers the night before they were due, and I never outlined. My senior thesis (which was a comparative analysis of memory and autobiography!) was written over the course of one panicked day. I never wrote first drafts, everything left the printer as final. I never learned structure or systems to do things differently because up until that point the pressure had worked for me.Until 2013.”I love that I now know that you can write a senior thesis in a day... not that that's the recommended way to do it... but just in case.“I tried exercise as a way of managing my anxiety—walking had always helped me clear my head and was usually a good way to reset my system. That helped, but I couldn’t pick which direction I needed to be pointed in since all my obligations were equally urgent and equally important. And since I was used to getting 100% done at once, these larger products1 that would require multiple drafts and edits and attempts, were my nightmare. I didn’t know how to do things 10–50% at a time. So instead I stayed trapped at 0% checking one project off at a time.Hard to prioritize when everything feels like a priority.”She really gets me. It was unbelievably re-invigorating having her describe something I'd been looking to put into words. (UN)PACKING A PUNCH: This was a really emotional read that talks about self-harm and also about what happened the day Maggie was removed from their home. And it was consequently my favorite piece.“As I approached the three steps back to the house, I stopped to pray. I prayed that today would be different. That somehow today, when the cops came, they would stay. That Maggie’s future would be different from mine. That she wouldn’t live in a house with holes in the walls. That I wouldn’t have to keep living with holes in the truth. When I finished my prayer, I saw a police car pull up and a young officer get out. By that point we recognized most of the officers who came to the house, but this guy looked new. There was a sliding glass door between the house and the driveway, and I saw him in the moment I passed it. I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing. I just opened it and walked outside and asked him to stop for a second and told him the truth.He listened and then called into his radio for social services and more officers. He then moved past me and kept walking toward the front of the house. I felt sad and sick. I had broken the only rule we had. I had betrayed my family.”My heart is slowly breaking.“Someone told Maggie to come with them and I went to follow, but a social worker stopped me. Maggie asked if I was coming with her. The social worker stepped between us blocking her from my line of sight. I remember that she was wearing a gray suit. She seemed in control. She turned to me and told me to tell Maggie that we would see each other again in a few days. On Wednesday. I asked her if it was true. She said nothing. But her expression showed I had no choice.I bent down and hugged Maggie and lied.”I can imagine this so vividly in my head and it's frightening.“I didn’t see Maggie again for three weeks. In the foster system, they can’t determine who from the biological family is “good” or “bad,” so the blanket rule is that there is to be no contact between the removed child and relatives. Maggie and I broke the rule by meeting at a Starbucks with the help of her new foster mom. She had radiator burns on her arm. She told me that one of the other kids had pushed her and she had fallen into the radiator. I comforted her as best I could trying not to let my own grief show. We called them tiger marks, and I said she was like a fairy that lived in the jungle.”I'm literally trying so hard to hold back tears right now.“I can’t describe what it was like to see my baby sister that day, knowing that she was injured and there was nothing I could do about it, that I would have to send her away again. In many ways, I felt as if Maggie were my child, because I had raised her up until that point. I can’t think about those days without crying. It’s a loss that still feels present even though now I can call Maggie or see her anytime I want. The guilt I feel over that moment—though I know it’s unfounded and there was nothing I could do—still feels like a wound that hasn’t fully healed.”That hurt is indescribable.But I'm glad that we got to know that she got adopted by a loving family“Maggie was placed into the home of a family of a close friend and former boyfriend of mine. The family was kind and open-hearted and doing their best. Eventually, they adopted her and she had her own family and her own journey to begin.” EPILOGUE: “Over the past ten years, I’ve processed a lot. I’m still processing. And there is more to be done. But I’m very proud of the person I am today. I’m proud to be gay. I’m proud to be a reckless optimist. I’m proud to keep learning and sharing what I’ve learned. I’m proud to be a work in process.”Somewhere in this book are all my shattered pieces of heart. Hannah Hart is my hero right now. She went through so much, and I'm probably still a little shell-shocked. But she seriously deserves the world and so much more. I need more Hart in my heart.PUN INTENDED.Also, I love how there were photographs scattered throughout: (P.S. Her story-time about that last tattoo was the best.)5/5 stars*Note: I'm an Amazon Affiliate. If you're interested in buying Buffering, just click on the image below to go through my link. I'll make a small commission!* Support creators you love. Buy a Coffee for nat (bookspoils) with Ko-fi.com/bookspoils

Honest, thoughtful, funny, and fantastically written. This does not go light on some of the more difficult things that Hannah has dealt with in her life, and some of her experiences especially in regards to her mother were incredibly raw to read emotionally. It was the Hannah that I have loved from her videos, and also another Hannah that I really wanted to know more about. I am so impressed by this book.

So I'll be honest and say I had no intention of reading this until I found out it had to deal with her family and the way her mothers mental health issues shaped her childhood and consequently who she is now. I like Hannah Hart, but I don't make it a habit to read most "YouTuber" books, because, well.....you know why. I'm glad I picked this one up though. It had a lot of depth and served it's intended purpose- gave you a more intimate look into who this person is and how they got here. Unlike a lot of celebrity memoirs, this actually contained things that we didn't already know. It wasn't just pages and pages of her pandering to her fan base. Much respect to her for digging in deep on this one.

This book was very open. I appreciate that. A lot of what was said reminded me of my own childhood, of my own response to my upbringing. I don't watch her youtube channel or anything like that. So, I can't promote that in any way. This book was full of emotion and heavy content. I will probably read a few more times later down the road.Note: I hate audio books and she did a really good job on the narration.

I picked up this book at the library because I thought the title was "Suffering," which sounds like something I'd be into. I later realized there was a sticker on the spine covering up a "B" and not an "S." This is an autobiographical book of a Youtuber named Hannah Hart, who I've never heard of before reading her book. Her content is basically her getting drunk and making stuff in her kitchen. I watched an episode where she tried to make slime, and it wasn't too bad. The book is kind of a mishmash of life experiences. She was neglected as a child due to her mother suffering from schizophrenia and this has had far-reaching consequences through her adult life. There was also quite a bit of focus on her sexuality; she is gay and had a difficult time coming to terms with that. She is very supportive and encouraging of others; she wants everyone to be successful and happy like her and she is very honest about how advantaged she is in her life. The most interesting aspect of this book for me was the discussion of what she has done to obtain and LPS conservatorship over her mother, which she accomplished in 2015. Her mother's illness put her and potentially put others at risk as well. Hannah was able to obtain a conservatorship that will enable her to have her mother hospitalized for mental health stabilization and treatment without her mother's consent. It is exceedingly difficult to obtain treatment for people who are very sick and impaired, but who do not want treatment. I like that the author used part of her book to bring this issue to light.

I shoulda done the audio on this one. I'm so used to hearing Hannah's voice from her own mouth (long time My Drunk Kitchen watcher, since episode 5), I'm sure it would have smoothed over the issues I had with the style this one is written in. It felt simultaneously overwritten and underwritten at various points, like the voice wasn't completely comfortable with itself.But any issues with the writing aside, it's hard not to get sucked in to Hannah's story. She tells it in a straightforward, unflinching manner, and man, just from watching her videos, you have no idea how rough she had it growing up. Her mother is schizophrenic, her father an emotionally distant Jehovah's Witness, and she grew up in conditions that left her and her older sister with PTSD. The openness she shows in letting us in to these parts of her life—her struggles to accept her sexuality, her mental health, learning to navigate her fame, among other things—shows a tremendous amount of bravery on her part. Or, if not bravery, then strength of will. Certainly it shows that she practices what she preaches. Hiding the bad stuff makes it worse. Bringing it out into the light brings relief.One of my main complaints with a lot of celebrity memoirs is that there is often no reason the celebrity should actually be writing a memoir, other than to make money. I mean, power to them, I guess, but that's not interesting to me. This isn't one of those memoirs. Hannah has lived enough life for three people twice her age, and she has actual important things to say, even if the way she says them isn't always the most polished or effective. I would really recommend the audio, though. I checked out a sample of it on Audible, and it was immediately more engaging for me than the hard copy, not least because the hard copy is HEAVY. It was printed on that fancy, glossy paper they used for Amy Poehler's book as well, and it looks high quality, but it is a bit cumbersome. (Not to mention a chunk of pages fell out on me, and it was a brand new book.)[3.5 stars rounded up]

There's something completely indescribable about reading someone's story and being able to see some of yours in it. I've always admired Hannah, but after reading this book I admire her so much more. Her strength is ineffable. I'm glad to have had the chance to read her story. She is truly an inspiration and such a beautiful human.

I really enjoyed this. I love how raw and candid she was about her life. I have gained so much more respect for her after hearing about everything she went through as a kid and still deals with today.

Absolutely blown away.

I know it's 3 in the morning.I was going to wait to finish the book until tomorrow but I couldn't. I was going wait to write my review until tomorrow, but I couldn't. I had to lie on my bed and process for a while, but then I had to grab my laptop and force myself to stay up just a little longer. I don't want these thoughts to drift away. You and I, we, the community surrounding the bright, shiny vitality of a personality that is Hannah Hart as she presents herself to the world, could never have imagined anything close to a backstory like this. Her belated "coming-out" video a couple of years ago was probably the closest she ever came to revealing the slightest crack in her superhero image, and that was barely a pinpoint on the tip of the iceberg of her incredibly difficult life. I don't want to focus too too much on the actual events of Hannah's life (Hello, that's what the book is for. Read it.) but rather on how deeply I admire her and the incredible strength and courage it took to let it all out into daylight after thirty years of being bottled up (at least in the public view). I would like to take this opportunity, however, to talk about what a freaking brilliant writer Hannah is, Buffering: Unshared Tales of a Life Fully Loaded is equal parts raw, deep, heavy, heartfelt, soul-achingly real, but also wonderfully charming, light, and funny (there are puns. and emojis. and footnotes!!). And the language and detail and word choice and everything is just so precise and fitting--it's a memoir that reads like a gut-wrenching urban fantasy novel, like Charles de Lint but more personal, more impactful because it's real. The way she tells her life story you can see it play out like one of those indy films that leave you with tears choking up your chest and a deep sense of connection with the world. Heck, her old journal entries themselves are poetic and beautiful. Perhaps other people are not as blown away as I was because they have already read My Drunk Kitchen and know her writing style but I haven't and I just can't get enough so I probably will read that at some point. Speaking of My Drunk Kitchen, Hannah of course mentions her channel and her videos, in particular the drunk cooking show that put her in the spotlight in the first place. Although I knew about her soon after I joined the YouTube audience community (very soon after she started, actually), I avoided watching her videos because I didn't like the idea of someone making light of getting drunk on a regular basis. I think I was watching Grace Helbig first and loved Hannah in her videos, and then I subscribed to Hannah and watched a bunch of her non-Kitchen videos and fell in love with her as a human being, and then sometime in the past year and a half or so I kind of accidentally started watching My Drunk Kitchen and loving it just as much as everything else she does. Anyway, Hannah talks about specific episodes of My Drunk Kitchen in the first half of Buffering, namely, the very first episode (which has a lovely story behind it and is so true to who Hannah is!), and the special The Burning Man; so I decided to scroll waaaay down through youtube.com/myharto and watch those two episodes to enhance the experience of reading the book. 5 hours later I had watched the first 47 episodes of MyHarto in chronological order and was struggling to decide whether to keep watching or keep reading Buffering. Spoiler alert: I watched 15 more videos, and THEN read the entire rest of Buffering. Hence the being up at 4am still writing this review. Anyway, I'm rambling, which tends to happen when I'm tired. My point is that I am glad I chose to watch all of those videos, because the book was giving me a context, a deeply complex backstory for the Hannah portrayed onscreen all those years ago, and now I am deeply invested in following her video journey all the way through to becoming the Hannah Hart I know and love today. Also, the book explains why Hannah is in a different kitchen nearly every video for the first year or two, which could otherwise be quite puzzling.Hannah is one of my favourite people in the world. She is one of those strong and humble and honest souls who survive a traumatic past to become a force for good in this world. She is still struggling and learning and processing and growing, and she acknowledges that. I don't know why I was shocked that some of the most terrifying trials outlined in Buffering Hannah was dealing with within this past year--perhaps because I have been following her online presence closely in that time and she is oh-so-good at putting on a cheery face and cracking jokes for the camera. It is hard, apparently, to remember that entertainers aren't just that.Buffering is another reminder that everyone has their demons, or as I like to put it everyone has their bitterness, and it is often difficult to see from the outside, especially when they are someone you admire. It takes a lot of trust for them to show it to you. And it is amazingly gratifying when they do. Of course as an internet celebrity who is recognized as a positive force in this world, Hannah has a lot of support outside of family and friends, she has this community she can count on to take this gift she has given us and love her 1000 times more for it. But that doesn't mean that opening her heart and soul to us and the world could have been anything less than terrifying. Thank you, Hannah, for sharing your story with us. PS.I am a very lucky person who has led a very blessed life. I know nothing really helpful comes of comparing your life to another's, but reading Hannah's story, especially with regard to her mom, has made me that much more grateful for what I had and have. I lost my mom but I had her, whole and complete, for long enough to have had a healthy, fulfilling childhood. As much as I am feeling the power of this story, I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for people reading this book who can relate to Hannah's story directly. I hope that this book serves to educate those who are ignorant and lift up those who are fighting to survive or close to giving up. A reminder to hope, and to practice reckless optimism.

[Actual Rating: 3.5] I think this book is flawed, with some possibly unnecessary bits and fits of mediocre writing, but there is enough compelling, heartbreaking material that's delivered really well and flares of delightful humor to make this worthwhile for me.

I didn’t know much about Hannah Hart when I started this, but was shocked to find out the history of her family and her mother’s intense battle with schizophrenia. The lessons Hart has learned and her relationship with her sisters as a result will incite an emotional response in even the stoniest of readers.