Assume Nothing audiobook

4.5 stars. This is quite an alarming but well-told account of how the author (a successful filmmaker/producer) found herself in this shocking & dreadful situation with the then-NY State Attorney General ... and what she did to get out of the relationship & come forward with information about the abuse she endured. She was courageous to risk so much of her personal privacy etc. to come forward & stop the cycle of violence for others. The book also includes useful advice and resources on helping those victimized by intimate violence ... and by trying to put an end to such heinous behavior. Thank you Tanya!

When I first started (on page 2) I was hooked. No, this is not only a book about the #metoo movement, it is one woman's hell through mental, emotional and physical abuse. The celebrity is, as far as I am concerned, somewhat irrelevant although her abuser had the potential to ruin her. Having said that though, Tanya also benefitted from a huge pool of friends who could help her.....unlike most abused women.It does not remove from her horrifying abuse. She stated that she came forward to warn the next woman and that was so very brave. In fact every woman is brave and getting stronger anytime they reach out and share their story.Well written, honest and certainly not easy to read. I cried, I cried and I am someone who reads harrowing addiction memoirs by the dozen each year without one tear. Buy this book and share the message.

Vital and necessaryTanya Selvaratnam’s memoir challenges and compels us to face the truth about intimate partner violence. Her writing is direct, immediate, straightforward, and made me both despair and find hope.

Every man and woman in the world needs to read this book.

This memoir is quite a story about the author's experience with abuse and delves into her past about witnessing domestic violence as a child. It also incorporates other personal stories of abuse. The story is told interestingly because the author focuses on the question of: how can this happen? The book is structured kept me reading as it walks the reader through the stages of abuse and shows us how easy it is for anyone to get entangled in an abusive relationship, no matter how smart they are! It also provides resources to spot, stop, and prevent intimate violence from happening in their own lives and to their loved ones.There was an immediacy to the writing that drew me in immediately. It's a story. It's a reflection. It's factual. But it's also a personal narrative that almost reads like a thriller, watching someone get entangled and trapped, especially as the extraction and the investigation take over.A couple of passages stood out: "When he first slapped me in the face after we started making love, it happened in the blink of an eye. No man had ever done that to me. He seemed to be testing me. I didn't know what to do. I tried to make sense of it. Before that point, we had gotten to know each other over the course of about six weeks, and I thought of him as a mediator, someone who espoused spirituality and who fought on behalf of vulnerable people. At that moment, I became aware that he could inflict great harm on people. Over time, the slaps got harder and began to be accompanied by demands." Also, when she says, "I didn't realize it at the time, but I was dealing with one kind of abuse that can go on between people in committed relationships, intimate violence, but I had convinced myself that he would be my partner, maybe for life. If I wanted to keep him, I felt I had to let him dominate me. I tolerated the situation because it was disorienting and so disconnected from the person he presented as in public."To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at:

I appreciated the candor in this book. This is difficult material (which is an understatement) and TS gives herself the grace required to write this book. TS faced an impossible situation—ordinarily, the “law” would offer some protection, but what do to when her partner is both the law and the abuser. It is overwhelmingly sad to understand why TS needed to write this book, and even more so knowing that IPV is not recognized as a form of violence in many communities and bodies of law.A necessary read for anyone trying to understand what it takes to “prove” IPV, the vast deficiencies of the law, the toll of such relationships, and learn more about folks and resources committed to ending such violence.

Tanya's story is truly chilling in her honestly and blunt truths about intimate partner violence that in reality is much more prevalent than what is portrayed in the media. What's more, her story and path of escape serves as a roadmap for women caught in similar situations. Assume Nothing is beautifully written gift for every woman.

I wasn’t familiar with this scandal and just picked up this book as it sounded interesting. Tanya was very brave in coming forward and sharing her story and experience. I feel this is a book that be used to help people identify that they are in dangerous relationships.

An essential book about power and abuse in intimate relationships. Selvaratnam's story helps readers comprehend abusive behavior in their own couple and shows ways to help loved ones who are in abusive relationships.

What a great, but also difficult to read at times, memoir of Tanya’s experience. The way she has written this is amazing.

I whizzed through this book as a challenge; it took me two days. It was hard at times to hear the stories from Tanya as she really speaks from the heart in an extremely brilliant way. This book prompted me to have discussions with my sisters about our past and although we were not abused per se, we had a very confusing childhood with emotional disconnects with our parents and their parents. These experiences have left all of us rather baffled and sad, so no matter what happens to people in their lives, it has an undeniable effect.There are a lot of things I am glad about the way things turned for Tanya. She really used a lot of self-searching, intuition, patience, and friendships to clarify her path forward. This is a good example of perhaps how we all need to navigate our way out of silence about any traumas in our lives. I do hope that this book is read by the younger folks to give them a way out before they become captured in the rhapsody of passion and ignore the reality of morals and ethics. The book also is a very well documented guide to getting help for those in need. Thank you, Tanya, for sharing your story. This book needs to become a documentary so the now generation can see and hear it in 3D.

This book is a raw and powerful look into the dynamics of intimate partner violence and the author’s journey within her own abusive relationship. This is a great read for anyone looking for more insight into how these relationships evolve, what it can be like a survivor to extricate themselves, and some of what the healing process can look like. It also provides a substantial appendix of informative resources about domestic violence. It was a powerful read.

** spoiler alert ** This brave and brilliant book will be very healing to most survivors.What you learn in this book is that any woman, no matter how strong, can be targeted by a predator when she is vulnerable (and we all have periods of vulnerability).The author had just gone through a hellish period of her life during which she suffered multiple miscarriages, fought infertility, and was diagnosed with a cancer that almost killed her. During her cancer fight, her husband announced that he had met someone else and was leaving her. This woman was in raw pain - and that pain is like blood in the water to a shark. She was targeted by New York attorney general Eric Schneiderman, and cruelly abused by him. Her courage exposed this man and brought him down.Another aspect of the book I found educational is how our Porn Culture normalizes sexual violence in the bedroom. When women refuse to tolerate being choked and spit on, they are attacked as "prudes" or accused of not being "sexually liberated" (how could allowing anyone to choke or spit on you be considered "liberating"?) Anyway, abusers use the concept of "kink" to defend sexual sadism, and to confuse and manipulate their partners. Some kinks deserve to be shamed, and any form of pain deliberately inflicted during sex SHOULD be stigmatized; it is flat out dangerous, especially to women.This was a great book for anyone who cares about male violence against women, and anyone who wants to know that they are not alone, and not to blame.

Once I picked this book up, I could not put it down. Selvaratnam’s account of her experience in an abusive relationship with a powerful person is unique in one sense and formulaic in another. She fears that she is trapped because the powerful man is seen as a hero. If she reveals what he is really like, it will destroy that image and dislodge him from important work. She is in a dangerous and impossible position. But she identifies this and frees herself. She is such a gifted writer. Selvaratnam seamlessly blends personal experience with research. She is both telling us her story and sharing a larger narrative about the abuse that women around the world suffer at the hands of their partners. I found this book heartbreaking but also freeing. It invites a deep examination into culture, where abuse is ubiquitous, and into self where esteem is a delicate project always underway. It’s a deep and worthy read.

Assume Nothing is such a powerful book. Through her story, the author speaks universal truths about the sociopolitical climate of the #MeToo era. It's beautifully written and thoroughly engaging. This book is also an important read for anyone who wants to better support those who have suffered from intimate partner violence, and deeply validating for anyone who has known it firsthand. I can't recommend this book highly enough.

I began “Assume Nothing” by Tanya Selvaratnam expecting to read about someone else’s story. I soon found myself engrossed in it like it was about me, feeling all her, so familiar to me, confusion and pain.The whole book, but more so the last chapter that talks about the different types of abuse, gave me all kinds of feels. I got mad, it made me sad and I I also felt proud of us women like Tanya and I who manage to get out of abusive relationships. I am absolutely dumbfounded that this happens to us “strong” women.Somehow we become blind to the abuse and if questioned, we are quick to justify and excuse the behaviors. We know deep down what’s going on but we stay, always hoping for a better tomorrow while at the same we literally reward their sick behaviors. We have systematically been programmed that when men misbehave we should be more affectionate, show them how much we love them by keeping a clean house, cooking better and exciting meals, AND being sexy in bed, etc. I used to think it was just my culture but I don’t think that anymore because this is clearly a worldwide phenomenon. I heard and believed all the BS such as “he is the man of the house”, “the father of your kids”, “aIl men cheat”, “he will change”, “be patient” etc. Etc. It is what I heard my whole life, it’s what I knew and what I did in both marriages. Neither one deserved my patience or understanding, much less my love throughout all the years of abuse and lies. Both marriages ended in divorce. We are considered strong women in our circles yet we’ve given up our power freely to these men early on in the relationships not knowing that we were walking into their sick lives of addiction and lies, a difficult trap to free ourselves from. Going down the lists in the Appendix of “Assume Nothing,” I could have checked many items on the list that I have experienced. But, at the time, I did not realize I was being abused because I thought it was normal. What I have realized now is how physically sick the relationships made me. They really took a toll on my overall physical and emotional health. My health has improved drastically and the darkness I felt is no longer there. I know it is not what always happens but in my case, I can say with certainty that it left me a stronger woman. I still have work to do but instead of hopelessness I now feel excited about life and everything in it. Reading this book gave me a ‘before’ and ‘after’ picture of my life with and without my ex-husband. I like who I am without him! 😊Thank you Tanya for writing a book that sometimes felt like a mirror. It was really affirming to read your story

This is a no holds bar story of the abuse - sexual, physical and mental - that Tanya Selvaratnam suffered at the hands of a very powerful politician with the State of New York. And sadly she wasn't the first nor was she the last despite Eric Schneiderman's supposed attempts at therapy after he resigned when the New Yorker story about his abuse of Tanya came out and he resigned as the Attorney General. This is a fast and very heartbreaking read by a very courageous woman who put it all on the line to take down a real slimebag. On the outside he was very pro women's rights but behind the scenes he turned into a real Mr. Hyde. Drugs and alcohol helped fuel his insatiable desire to control and abuse Tanya but in the end if he ever tries to use that excuse he can just rot in hell.No one asks to be abused nor should they be victim shamed. Be supportive and help them get help. Tanya Selvaratnam was fortunate to have friends who really cared and who she knew would support and help her escape. You have those friends as well...you just have to know who to trust and who not to trust and sometimes you can't trust your family (sadly they're usually not very supportive).No one should ever have to suffer from any type of abuse and this is a book that every victim of abuse no matter their sex (men are abused as well but not as much as women), orientation, race, religion or education should read. There's an appendix at the end that is chock full of resources that can assist you in saving your lives and your dignity. Get it today.Thank you to Goodreads, Tanya Selvaratnam and HaperCollins for making this Tanya's book available thru a Goodreads giveaway.

I really applaud Ms Selvaratnam for coming forward with her story. The book was compelling and found the Appendix provided numerous resources for women and a list of the characteristics of different types of abuse. I feel as if her telling her story is necessary because here was this strong female role model who seemed to have an amazing career and proponent of women's rights who found herself in an abusive relationship. It can happen to anyone. My only issue is reading seemed to shift between this intense personal memoir and then a journalistic perspective of what was going on. I feel at the end it all came together but in the middle sometimes the flow was interrupted and it read like 2 different authors - if that makes sense, so I had to put it down and come back to it a few times. I am guessing going through all this, having it public and then writing it during a pandemic is going to affect the writing and how she told the story. But it was a worthwhile read and again, I thank her for sharing her story.

Okay. Trevor Noah. I remember the comment she mentions in the book that you made about her, but I had no idea this context and I'm not okay with you. You should have apologized after she reached out and known that was not okay.I had no idea. This story had me stunned. When she began the book by thanking those who had come forward, I was thinking this would be a gathering of different accounts, but this is her story. This is her process of finding her voice, keeping her head up, and the aftermath where she stayed strong. I will never judge a book where a woman shares her pain so thank you for helping normalize standing up for yourself. Your story is beautiful and as always it is nice to see some of my thoughts in writing and know that I am not alone in some of these experiences.

This is delicately told, almost as if speaking to persons currently witnessing abuse in one way or another. She does recount her experience, but she goes further by telling people what to look for and putting resources at the end. This recounting doesn’t hang out long in the abuse time period; it more goes through what happened before, during, and after. She explains how she became involved and entrapped by her abuser. She also explains the different reactions she received at different levels of her relationship with this person. At the same time this story of fairly digestible to someone who’s been through abuse. I very much appreciated this, and I appreciate her willingness to hold her abuser accountable.