This Is How Your Marriage Ends audiobook

I sat down about a year ago and read this author’s divorce blog entries from beginning to end. When I heard he was working on finishing a book I had to get a hold of it. I will read this again and again to remind myself that it isn’t just me, there are other women feeling the same way I do, and at least one man on the planet has recognized what often goes wrong in marriages. It’s funny, serious, happy, sad, and very accurate and true. Read it then pass it to your husband!

I have been a fan of Matthew Fray's writing for several years now after I found his blog https://mustbethistalltoride.com. His blog has several articles titled " An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands" and I was intrigued because rarely do you read relationship articles written by a male with a sympathetic yet humorous voice. I will open my review with an analogy. I enjoy ice fishing. If I went ice fishing one day and saw another person running towards me, waving frantically, telling me that the ice was dangerous and that I shouldn't go out I would likely heed his warning because it is in my best interest to do so. Matthew Fray is frantically waving and telling you in his new book that YOU are on thin ice (heed his warning shitty spouses). Matthew fell through the ice and he got divorced; it was an awful experience and he survived but he is warning others not to make the same unintentional mistakes that he did. At the risk of being vulnerable , I can tell you that much of this book was uncomfortable to read because it is so damn relatable; cross out a few names, insert your own and away you go. All of us are guilty of the daily paper cuts, the micro aggressions that slowly whittle away the trust that nurtures connection in our marriages. Invalidation, fighting to be "right", misaligned priorities, inconsideration; these are the everyday habits that too many of us have that are slowly suffocating our closest relationships. How many of you have confided in your spouse only to be told you are too sensitive or are overreacting? How many of us have heard "well I spoke with my friend about you and she says you are acting like a jerk"How many of us have asked our spouses to do something small and been told "I will get to it later" but yet the same spouse will bend over backwards for a friend or neighbour. How many of us have been told by their spouse that they aren't good at planning things but then we see them planning time to enjoy their own hobbies or events with their friends. While Matthew writes this book from the point of view that many of these common habits are perpetrated by husbands, both sexes can benefit from reading his book. My only complaint is that like many couples who seek marriage counselling, the information will often be found and read "too little, too late". The ice is thin, cracked and what lies beneath is freezing cold.I received a complimentary copy of this book from Harper Collins through NetGalley. Opinions expressed in this review are completely my own.

I think this is a really great and important read.It’s interesting because I’m reading this at the same time that I’m reading bell hooks’ “the will to change” so my perspective on the whole thing is that a lot of what is spoken about that went wrong in the book is rooted in un-named patriarchy and toxic masculinity, BUT I respect the gentle yet firm and necessary way the author approaches his readers in trying to motivate change. As a woman I felt validated in a lot of what was written. I think the tone taken is a necessary one for men to pick up this book and read it and decide to change for the better. Do I think they will actually pick it up and read it without doing so at the behest of a desperate partner? Questionable. But I’m hopeful. I’m glad this book exists.

I was given a free copy in exchange for an honest review. Matthew Fray went viral a few years ago with a blog post about how little things had -- um -- frayed his marriage until it broke. There were some big things too, but what it had come down to, he finally figured out, was that he had consistently not respected his wife's feelings. He had, without ever really meaning to, thoughtlessly ignored what she tried to communicate.So this is a relationship book that is very definitely written to men. Fray writes with kind of a dude-bro voice, a very 'I'm just like you' attitude. This is not to say that there's nothing here for women to benefit from (I think I did), but really this is a guy writing to other guys, trying to give a different perspective. Fray feels that most 'ordinary' breakups (sans abuse, etc.) come from a lack of relationship skills. These skills are practically never taught, and as a result we all crash around breaking things without meaning to. It's not that people are bad, or actively trying to make life difficult for their partners -- it's mostly cluelessness. For this reason, it's very important to a) seek out and learn these skills and b) pay attention and resist defensiveness when our partners tell us that they're hurting. Marriage is a team effort, and when your partner tries to tell you something is wrong, it's an attempt to improve the team, not an attack.Fray's tone is casual and personal; he talks a lot about his own experiences and usually sounds like he's hanging out with the guys. He does tend to be a little repetitive, but I think that's a function of him trying to get the message through. It's a message that a lot of people are very resistant to hearing, and I think he gets a lot of pushback from the very ones he's trying hardest to reach -- the ones who are just like him.The book covers a lot of ground, but I think the primary theme is that Fray eventually figured out where his actions had contributed to the result he'd never wanted -- his divorce. He spent a long time blaming everybody but himself, but he eventually realized that if he could see where he'd gone wrong, maybe he could ensure it wouldn't happen again. And he realized that he had spent a lot of his time ignoring and dismissing his wife's feelings and thoughts, and attacking her in defense when she told him she was in pain. He'd always reflexively put himself first, and he hadn't even known he was doing it, because he was so busy ignoring all the information that could have told him that.Although it's a guy talking to guys, I do think I got quite a bit out of this book anyway. I can be reflexively dismissive too, so I need to pay attention to when I'm doing it, and quit it. The principles are general, through the voice is more specific. It's a very interesting read, and I think a worthwhile one for lots of people. Also me.

If you are married, thinking of marriage, or divorced and are able to create space for reflection and accountability, this book is for you! Matthew Fray uses his own divorce as a catalyst for illustrating how a marriage can end and what the readers should be aware of and consider in order to avoid patterns that often lead to divorce. In addition to his own experience, Matthew Fray incorporates stories from his clients, offering the reader relatability and a deeper context. I enjoyed the levity of Matthew’s humor and the scientific research that validates his perspective. Not only will you learn how to have a successful marriage but also learn more of who you are, the characteristics that you have, and the thoughts that you perpetuate.

I wish I’d had this book 42 years ago when I married. Turns out we were much better prepared for the wedding than the marriage. But…babies come, family members get sick and/or die…life happens. Suddenly you find yourself married 42 years without the “safety and trust” you once had. Not sure how or when it occurred, guess it really is “the 10,000 paper cut bleed out”. Hoping my husband will read this book, as painful as it may be, and we can finish this journey called life together as friends, partners and lovers. If you find yourself keeping quiet simply because it’s easier, READ this book! It says all the things you may feel that you’ve been unable to identify because you truly are a good person married to a good person. We are ignorant, but good. Turns out goodness and intention aren’t enough. Love IS a choice-every single moment of every single day.

I personally thought this was a great book on relationships that everyone should read--while some of its advice and reflections may be broad, they can be profound with deeper application onto one's own life. To preface, I have never read anything in this genre before; I don't even like reading books in the 'self-help' section. But one day at work I was about to shelve this book and I hesitated. The title seemed to jump out at me with relevance. The first chapter instantly hooked me. Mostly because Matthew Fray writes in an extremely casual tone, almost like he is speaking to the reader as a best friend. This tone throughout the book takes you through some vulnerable spaces in his mind along with what he learned in the fallout of his divorce. Although the target audience for this book is probably cis-gendered heterosexual males, I still found some great value in his main points. He also was able to tie in real scientific studies on relationships and summarize them in an interesting way. The overall thesis he argues throughout is that "good people can still make bad partners". This is due to how we aren't actually taught these fundamental skills in school or anything. As a result, people [in romantic relationships] accidentally hurt one another and betray each other's trust without either partner being aware of it till it's too late--there is an accumulation of tiny betrayals. The failure to identify the root cause of this "dooms us to repeat the same behaviours in future ones." I greatly enjoyed the simple yet effective "Invalidation Triple Threat" he referred to throughout the book. This is made up of 3 distinct ways people commonly respond to their partner that invalidates them: judging their thoughts/recollection of events to be wrong, judging their feelings to be wrong, or justifying/defending one's own pain-causing actions. The more these invalidations occur repeatedly (even if over seemingly 'little things' that actually matter a BIG deal to your partner)--safety is eroded over time, and then there is no trust. Call it common sense, but Fray also emphasizes the importance of empathy. Because when we love someone, we must "honour THEIR experience, THEIR reality--to connect with them on an emotionally healthy level." It is not productive nor beneficial to either party if we are judging someone's thoughts or feelings based on our own default opinions. For example, is it worth destroying the quality of a relationship over winning a battle of who was right vs wrong? In short, this was a useful read as someone who has never read a relationship book before and was eager to learn some new reflections for much-needed changes :)

Regular guy gets divorced, feels horrible about it, eventually comes around to ex-wife's way of thinking, and writes blog (and this book) explaining how others can avoid his fate. Minus one star for all the repetition.

Love the content of the book, however the points get repetitive.

Very insightful. This helped me to put some things into words I'd felt. Also helped me see some ways in which I'm damaging my marriage. The chapter on sex sucks. But not surprisingly. Overall good stuff.

4.5 stars rounded up to 5