The Dance of Anger audiobook

** A Life Changing Book **Read years ago. This book made a huge impact on my life, and changed my life dramatically for the better.The Dance of Anger, recommended by a therapist, will show the reader how to express anger -- and deal with anger being directed toward you -- without yelling, screaming, name calling, etc.This was literally the first clue I ever got about how to express anger in a calm way and to actually RESOLVE an issue, without constantly exploding over it, or being the "explodee".

Read this years ago ... my older daughter too. Absolutely valuable.... The authors new book out this year sounds even more powerful.

I know my friends are sick of hearing about her, but Harriet Lerner is a genius and my own personal guru (from afar). I never really thought I'd read a self-help book(especially one on relationships, eek), but I've re-read this one three times at different points in my life. The books (there's a Dance series) are easy to read, her case studies are good because the examples are ones that everyone can find in their own lives, and her advice is really sound. The basic premise is that if you're unhappy in any relationship, romantic or otherwise, you're the one who has to change things, that you're wasting your time if you're trying to change someone else. And she gives good ways, really specific ways to do that. Anyway, I just think she's brilliant and I actually enjoy reading the books. Just give 'em a try.

This book was recommended to me by a therapist who supervises our group of counsellors. He told us that this book is incredibly helpful not only to his clients but also to mental health professionals who want to gain a better understanding of relationship problems and how to deal with them. I was intrigued and decided to remember the title, so I could read the book and find some useful information on how to counsel people with relationship and anger issues. For some reason I really didn't think this book would be a truly useful read for myself. I have no idea why I was deceiving myself in such a way, because I found some really great explanations, quotes, thoughts and examples that are relatable, easy to understand and very necessary to analyze and remember. I started noticing some patterns in my own behaviour and in that of my closest ones, and the relationships we have. Anger truly is one of the most complex emotions to understand, and expressing it in a healthy way is an even bigger challenge. I hope I will be able to break some patterns and habits, for my own sake as well as for others'. Luckily my self-monitoring skills are getting better by the day, so I'm very optimistic.I do have to say that one of the examples in the book didn't sit well with me at all. I even felt a bit of anger while reading it. The case I'm talking about is the one where the father of the family has a lot of fights with his son, whereas the mother tends to be the one protecting the son - creating a triangle where nothing gets solved and the problems persist. The solution the author offers is basically this: the mother has to trust her husband, distance herself from the fights between father and son, not criticize the father's raising methods and thus break the habit of being in a relationship triangle. The problem is - after mother has done that, the father starts punishing his child by beating him with a belt. The author, however, doesn't seem to see this as a problem - she even says that as long as there is no violence, the mother can stay away. So how is using a belt to beat your child as a form of punishment not considered violence? I was truly appalled by this example. I really don't think it fits well with the concept of the book or any of the other examples - everyone else is equal to each other, they're adults and there is really no need for relationship triangles and a third person having a say in a relationship between two equal adults who can make decision for themselves, even if the decision is to leave the relationship. Here, however, we have a 8-year-old child, who by no means is an equal to his father, nor does he have a clear understanding of what is normal in a relationship with an adult. The parents are setting an example for him, and if the example is that one of the parents distances themselves from problematic situations, whereas the other uses his dominant position as a means of asserting his power even more, punishing the child and treating in an unacceptable way, it is a very fucking bad example. Yes, the relationship between the father and the son is personal and they have to communicate, but I think that removing the mother from the equation is a very wrong step at this point. The fights can get even bigger, because the father might feel that he has gained absolute power and nobody will stop him from doing whatever he wants, especially his son who is fuckin 8 YEARS OLD. This is not an equal relationship where two parties will solve their problems on their own. The parents have to communicate, the mother has the right to express her opinion on the other parent's punishment methods, and the child should not be left alone like that. In the future, the child will resent his mother for not speaking up and "leaving the father and the son to figure their relationship out on their own". Let them figure it out when BOTH of them are able to do that, when BOTH are able to express their true opinions and know what their boundaries are. The child might not yet be aware of all of this at such a young age. They need adults' protection and support. This example was so wrong to me on so many levels that my opinion of the book was really under attack at that point.Overall, I still really recommend reading it, but please remember that children are not on the same level as adults and should not be left alone - they still need the support and the advice of adults.

Wow. This was a really great book, one which I appreciated on both a personal and a professional level. Written in a deceptively simple self-help/pop psych style, this book had the advantages of being highly readable, practical, and almost entertaining, appealing to a lay audience. At the same time, this book was based on solid Bowen theory and was far from superficial or facile. This book clarified a lot of things for me that I've been working on with my supervisor, and has been helping me function more effectively as a therapist. It has also been eye-opening for me in giving me a new way to look at many of the different relationships within my own family.One minor difficulty I have with the book is that its thesis could potentially justify a lot of selfish behavior. The basic premise of the book (which I am greatly oversimplifying for the purposes of this review) is that people need to accept responsibility for their own behavior and reactions within a relationship, and work on changing those things rather than on changing the other person. Sounds good, right? But a corollary to that is not allowing someone with expectations of you to make you feel guilty, because their expectations are THEIR problem, not yours -- an attitude which might be taken too far.Although Lerner attempted to provide a balanced view, I felt that her feminist agenda caused her to err on the side of empowering women to put their own needs first. For example, she described the case of a woman with a needy, demanding 72-year-old father. As a therapist, she helped this woman shift from complaining about her father's behavior to evaluating her own -- how could she set new limits with her father which would allow her to give to him without feeling resentful?Happily, Katy's decision was one which I actually felt was reasonable -- she told her father she could only meet him for dinner twice a week instead of three times a week, and that she could shop for him once a week but not on an on-call basis. I liked the balance in this particular example; Katy didn't abdicate her responsibilities as a daughter; she simply found a way to continue giving that she could live with better. However, I felt that the idea of setting limits in a relationship was emphasized far more than the aspect of finding limits that allow you to continue giving. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to understand relationships better, and their own functioning in relationships. It's a quick, easy read but not a superficial one and great for discussion.

Nežinau ar man jos labai reikėjo šiuo metu, ar pagaliau buvo gera į rankas paimti normalią self-help knygą, bet tikrai teigiami atsiliepimai ir naudingas turinys. Tikrai nepakenks perskaityti nei vienai moteriai, siekiančiai išnarplioti keblius santykius su vadovu, šeima, draugais ar partneriu.

Harriet Lerner este psiholog clinician specializat în relații de familie, iar cartea de față este o lectură utilă și inteligentă pentru cei care se confruntă cu furia, această emoție destabilizatoare, dar până la urma naturală: o emoție ca oricare alta, nici pozitiva, nici negativa, dar care poate produce daune ireversibile atunci când ajungem în punctul critic în care o exprimăm violent, emoțiile devenind atât de intense încât nu mai suntem capabili să conștientizăm unde este adevarata problemă, ajungând sa depunem eforturi inutile, neproductive și obositoare, în dorința noastră de a-i schimba pe cei din jurul nostru și uitând faptul că schimbarea vine, în primul rând, din interiorul nostru.Pe de alta parte, vechea teorie conform căreia „furia vine și apoi trece” este una greșita, căci este contraproductiv să adunăm în noi înșine supărari, frustrări, dezamăgiri, care mai apoi conduc la apariția furiei. Lerner ne sugerează că trebuie să lăsăm emoțiile să se manifeste la timpul lor și atunci când este cazul, aceasta fiind o strategie inteligenta prin care ne protejam de riscul psihologic de a ține totul închis în noi și de a cumula emoții negative până în momentul în care vom exploda la propriu.Autoarea semnaleaza prezența mai multor stiluri de gestionare a furiei, folosind următorul ghid de clasificare: urmaritorii (cei care își diminuează anxietatea căutând contact emoțional și o apropiere mai profundă în relație. Pun accentul pe exprimarea emoțiilor și sunt autoetichetați drept „prea sensibili” sau „prea dependenți”), distanții emoțional (cei independenți, care caută distanțarea fizică și emoțională atunci când nivelul stresului este ridicat. Le este dificil să își arate laturile vulnerabile și sunt etichetați drept „indisponibili emoțional”, „reci”. Ei pot renunța definitiv la o relație atunci când climatul emoțional devine intens), subfuncționalii (prezintă un deficit în ceea ce privește organizarea în mai multe domenii, dezvoltă simptome fizice/emoționale când nivelul stresului atinge apogeul, sunt mai puțin competenți în condiții de stres), suprafuncționalii (au impresia că știu ce-i mai bine pentru toata lumea, sunt acaparatori și își oferă ajutorul chiar și când este nesolicitat, sunt incapabili de a-și arăta latura emoțională), culpabilizatorii (explodează repede, își consumă energia în încercarea de a-i schimba pe ceilalți, intră în cicluri repetitive de certuri, consideră că acei din jur sunt responsabili pentru sentimentele și acțiunile lor).Recenzia completa: https://twistinmysobriety-alexa.blogs...

https://perskaiciau.lt/harriet-lerner...

Am terminat de citit cartea și în continuare mă deranjează subtitlul acestei cărți, el nu e prea potrivit, din punctul meu de vedere, cu ceea ce am citit eu dincolo de coperțile acestei cărți. Da, autoarea e o feministă convinsă, dar în carte abordează furia în cadrul relațiilor familiale. Deci, tot ce scrie ea acolo se adresează și bărbaților, tuturor, de fapt. Furia este un sentiment care trebuiește luat în seamă, e o emoție firească precum toate celelalte. Nu trebuie neglijată, dimpotrivă, e nevoie să ieșim dintr-un cerc vicios care ne încurcă să trăim echilibrat și detașați de emoțiile distructive.Cartea e foarte bine scrisă și autoarea dă multe exemple clare unde furia este analizată în detaliu și cum ar trebui oamenii să abordeze această emoție și cum să avem răbdare să ieșim dintr-un tipar care nu ne avantajează sinele și relațiile cu cei din jurul nostru. Mi-a plăcut cartea.

O carte bunicică, pentru femei, un pic prea feminista însă. Asa cum autoarea accentuează faptul ca nu ceilalți te fac sa te simti intr-un anumit fel, ci tu însăți, asa ar trebui si sa nu se mai simtă discriminata intr-o lume a bărbaților. Dar ideile de gestionare a furiei si adoptare a schimbării sunt bune, cu multe exemple si strategii de pus in practica.